Thanks to my gorgeous friend Suzanne for coming up with the question for this week’s column. Suzanne, being a sexy single girl, suggested some dating situations in which a good wine is definitely needed. Being a loving and caring friend, who hasn’t even thought of dating in 25 years, I figured I would be the perfect person to give awesome advice!
The Endless Talker: Suzanne explained this person as “the guy who has already talked about his two exes and is now on to the rebound girlfriend and the night is still young”. My suggestion to this is a good Prosecco. Prosecco is light and bubbly, gently sweet with a lightly acidic finish. The reason why you want this wine is because you can consume a lot of it over a pretty long period of time without too many bad effects. You’re going to need it to calm your nerves and give you something to smile about.
The Inquisitor: My friend explained this as the guy “who is good at firing off questions, but not good at listening to the answers. He spends a lot of time looking under the table at his phone because he’s holding a full-on text conversation with someone else”. My thought is hopefully he’s paying for dinner. If so, order something really expensive. A really high end Cabernet Sauvignon or red blend that hits all the notes. Ask your server if they have any “library wines”. If he doesn’t remember another thing about your date, he’ll at least remember the bar bill!
The Silent Type: Suzanne explained this as the person who “gives monosyllabic answers and grunts as you try to hold a conversation”. What you really need here is a truth serum, but in the wine world the only thing that really cuts a guy, or gal loose is a little extra ethanol. You can either go high class, such as a nice Tawny Port such as Graham’s, or you can take him down to the tracks with a bottle of Night Train. The magic word here is “fortified”. Either way, his lips will be looser.
The Groper: What to have, or not have if your body parts seem to keep getting in the way of his hands. What do you want? I suggest keeping your options open here. You might want to go with something like a good Mead. After all, Mead is considered by many to be an aphrodisiac. If you want to go the other way I suggest just hitting him with the bottle on the side of the head.
The Inhaler: Suzanne explained this as when you “just get your main course and you look up to find his plate totally empty”. Ok, I resemble that remark. Suzanne and I haven’t even seen each other since the 7th grade and she still talks about my eating habits. Ugh!!
|This is my friend Suzanne, who helped me with this column!|
My best to all of you lonely hearts out there. Enjoy!